We got on a topic at work the other day that left me gasping for air.... Here, I'll play the ending first card...
I was gasping for air...
15 minute earlier...
I was running about 40 lbs. of trim through the grinder when the conversation evolved into something unreal.... Sure, if you're a guy, you're no stranger to the conversation... You know, that list.... The list of 10s you've screwed in the life before monogamy drove a blunt spoon through your happy gizzard... I'm sure every single average looking guy has em hidden in the spank bank, only breaking them out to brag or reminisce... Then... The conversation evolved into the funny stories you'd never share with your current significant other... for example: fucking the preachers daughter durring service, and throwing off the quire hymns with the noise, or the time you screwed the bigger girl in the back of your best friend's Volkswagen, both of you waking up to the warm gaze of his parents burning stare through the back window. There were 3 of us, throwing our hysterical smoke about, then the torch was passed to my boss... It was his turn to tell...
I have to describe my boss in order to correctly recite what was said, because the elements of his personality make it funnier... He's a 40 year old baby-faced, skinny, third-generation italian-american who is very down to earth, quiet, and docile. He rarely gets excited over anything, and has a very laid back, just above monotone, voice that never stresses inflection.... There... we can move on to the grits and gravy...
Boss:
You ever watch a porn? Like a really nasty one where people are doing weird shit? You know, the ones that leave you disturbed instead of turned on? Yeah, well I dated a chick that had a sexual apetite geared toward that weird shit.. Oh, and she was deaf.... (confused grin amongst audience)
She liked to tie me up, and was into S&M; that asphyxiation stuff... I was a sophomore in college, so I had nothing better to do... One saturday night, when the roomies were out partying, she came over... She brought over a leash one of those choke collars... You know?, the ones that have the prong thingys? Well, She tied my hands up to my closet door by the towel hanger, took the rope around the backside of the door and pulled it through underneath, where she tied my feet... She was no spring chicken to the skillset of tying knots, call it her craft, I wasn't goin anywhere... Then she handed me the leash, of which she was attached to.... smeared peanut butter on my balls... and proceeded to lick it off... barking when I tugged the leash with my wrist... The harder I tugged the leash, the more she got into it... She started barking and shit.... not like a real bark... like the fake bark... You know? "Wooof!!! Wooof!!!.. (the audience is lit with anticipation ;)
So, she's garbling on my nuts making these hideous sounds, and then I hear a loud commotion... Shit... My friends were back.... I had to get this girl to fucking stop. So I start off with telling her that my... fuck! SHE'S DEAF!!! So I start tugging on the leash like a mad man... She proceeds to dive deeper into character with the WOOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!!... I knew I was fucked when shit got quiet outside the door... then i heard the giggling and woof woofing coming from the hallway... by now I'm having a fucking heart attack trying to get this psycho to stop, but the harder I tried the worse she got.... then the knob started jiggling... shit... shit... The door was locked... shit, they found a way to open it... Next thing I know they busted through the door, starring in horrifying silence, and wtf grins... My girlfriend's face came out of my crotch looking like she just had her first birthday cake all over again........
...... Not one of my proudest moments....
From then on out my buddies would always start woof woofing before knocking on my door...
I was gasping for air....
- too good not to share...
-^-Pulse
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